Did I say I would be posting this on Thursday? Well, that didn’t work out.
I could plead my Fifth Amendment right to be fashionably late and not answer any questions. However, since I pride myself on being such a good girl I will have you know that for the past two days I have been traveling all over the continental United States.
I am aware that you are a very powerful man who prefers flying private, so you cannot comprehend exactly how exhausted I was after traveling for 6 ½ hours in cramped quarters from New York to Los Angeles—but surely travel delays are something you understand, especially inclement weather conditions. (I hear the North Pole is hellish this time of year.) Also, you must know, my failure to produce my Christmas List to you in a timely fashion can be attributed to my lack of sleep. During my flight I could not get a wink of sleep since I was surrounded by a mass of screaming children on that plane.
Santa, you must give me credit for being so good. I didn’t say a word, not even a whisper of distaste towards the crying children. You will also be proud to know that I did not even judge the family at security with the screaming toddler who refused to remove her ladybug rain boots, or the child’s mom with her stereotypical bob, ill fitting jeans, and inability to seem to comprehend that her garish taste in shoes was inconveniencing the twenty-some-odd other people in the line.
Really—I did not utter anything, not even a peep! Nor did I shoot one of those masterful combinations of a glare mixed with an eye-roll that has taken over a decade to perfect.
…And all of this happened after I had such a stressful week!
You should really be proud at how far I’ve come from last year—I have really mellowed. (I just began a sentence with the word “And,” and did not edit it out later. I am that relaxed.)
However, you know why I am writing you, Santa: It is time for my yearly review. I am sure that you already have some nice gifts picked out for me, (and I am ever-so-grateful you tipped my boyfriend off about those Chanel ballet flats I could not live without,) but I have some other things in mind for the big day…
Without further ado, Santa—here is my Christmas List: